Why Siblings Fight by Bronson & Merryman

Strategies to Prevent Sibling Conflict in NurtureShock Book Guide

Oct 21, 2009 Lynn Brogan

Understanding why siblings fight, seeing how books and videos model new ways to be mean and teaching siblings how to enjoy each other can prevent sibling conflicts.

Authors Bronson and Merryman take parents on a journey filled with surprising facts and twists. Parents explore sibling relationships and how children think. NurtureShock’s sixth chapter, “The Sibling Effect,” debunks common wisdom about sibling relations and provides successful strategies for parenting siblings.

Siblings Argue About 15% of Time

“Siblings between the ages of three and seven clash 3.5 times per hour, on average.” (page 120) The length of the conflicts varies, but the average is about 10 minutes per hour or about 15% of the time. (page 120)

Dr. Hildy Ross, University of Waterloo, found that “only about one out of every eight conflicts ends in compromise or reconciliation – the other seven times, the siblings merely withdraw, usually after the older child has bullied or intimidated the younger.” (page 120)

Dr. Ganie DeHart found that “kids made seven times as many negative and controlling statements to their siblings as they did to friends.” (page 121). Does real life match the research? What are the parenting implications?

No Incentive for Siblings to Get Along

Sibling relationships are different from relationships with friends. Siblings will be around the next day and the day after that. Dr. Samantha Punch concludes from her research that “Sibship is a relationship in which the boundaries of social interaction can be pushed to the limit. Rage and irritation need not be suppressed, whilst politeness and toleration can be neglected.” (page 121) How might parents use this insight to alter sibling relationships?

High Conflict Rate Can Mean Better Long Term Sibling Relationship

A high rate of conflict between siblings does not necessarily mean that the siblings are destined to a lifetime of arguments. If the good times outweigh the bad times overall; siblings will likely have a positive adult relationship. Dr. Laurie Kramer, Associate Dean at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, reports that “In contrast, siblings who simply ignored each other had less fighting, but their relationship stayed cold and distant long term.” (page 122). How can parents help children build more positive memories in sibling relationships?

Teaching Conflict Prevention, Not Conflict Resolution

Dr. Kramer operates a program that teaches siblings how to enjoy playing together. Children learn how to invite a sibling to play, how to find activities that bridge the age gap so both can enjoy playing together and how to gently decline the invitation. Kids use the tools to work out differences without parent intervention. How might these tools be useful parenting strategies?

Children's Books and Videos With Sibling Themes Actually Teach New Ways to be Mean

Commonly used books and videos with sibling story lines, generally include details about “ways that children can fight, insult, and devalue their siblings. From these books, the kids were learning novel ways to be mean to their younger siblings they’d never considered.” (page 126). Dr. Kramer analyzed 261 books with sibling themes. While all had a happy ending, the content included “as many negative behaviors as positive ones.” (page 127) How can parents counteract the negative images presented in the books and videos?

Why Siblings Fight

The most common reason siblings fight is sharing stuff. “Almost 80% of the older children, and 75% of the younger kids, all said sharing physical possessions – or claiming them as their own caused the most fights.” (page 127) What parenting strategies could be used to reduce conflicts around sharing?

Powerful dialog in book groups provides parents with insights and strategies to understand why siblings fight and how to prevent sibling conflict. NurtureShock offers a basis for learning new parenting strategies about sibling interactions and understanding new thinking about child development.

Other parenting strategies from NurtureShock:

NurtureShock by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman: New Thinking About Parenting and Child Development

Parents Talk About Race From NurtureShock: Book Club Discussions on Talking About Diversity With Children

Why Kids Lie Explained in NurtureShock: Book Clubs Discuss New Parent Thinking About Lying and Honesty

NurtureShock is published by Twelve.

ISBN-10: 0446504122

ISBN-13: 978-0446504126

The copyright of the article Why Siblings Fight by Bronson & Merryman in Self-Help Books is owned by Lynn Brogan. Permission to republish Why Siblings Fight by Bronson & Merryman in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.