Why Kids Lie Explained in NurtureShock
Book Clubs Discuss New Parent Thinking About Lying and Honesty
Oct 6, 2009
Book discussion groups use the power of social networking to help parents understand and apply the important child development research findings in NurtureShock’s chapter 4, “Why Kids Lie.” Research shows that parents must teach the worth of honesty at the same time they teach lying is wrong. The book group discussion starters for NurtureShock’s fourth chapter shine a light on how lying fits into child development and how parents inadvertently teach that some lies are acceptable.
By Age 4 Almost All Kids Lie
The data on lying is shocking. On page 80, the authors share statistics about lying from research studies. 96% of all kids lie. Only one-third of 3 year-olds lie, but over 80% of 4 year-olds lie. 4 year-olds lie about once every 2 hours. Lying once every hour is the average for 6 year olds. Parents have been taught that it is best to let lies go. However, studies find that kids don’t grow out of lying, they get better at it. What are the parenting implications?
Some Lies are OK
Most children create lies to cover-up doing something wrong. When asked about the issue, the child’s first response is often a denial, which is a lie. To underscore how parents respond to the denial, Bronson and Merryman share research on page 81 which shows parents address the denial less than 1% of the time and focus on the misdeed. Kids learn that lying has no cost. How could the discussion about denials be framed so that children learn parents see the lie for what it is?
Mom promises to take the kids rollerblading on next nice day which lands on the same day as a long scheduled doctor visit. Mom explains that rollerblading will have to be rescheduled. By adult definition, this is not a lie. Children believe that any false information is a lie. Children internalize that Mom thinks lying is acceptable. How can the discussion be framed so that children understand?
A primary reason kids lie is that they learn it from adults. Parents expect kids to mask their honest reaction to a gift they don’t like. Telling a lie about the gift is polite and children are rewarded for their ability to lie easily. Many parents do not recognize white lies as dishonesty. If parents recognize untruths as acceptable sometimes and not acceptable at other times, how can children learn the difference?
Lying Is a Developmental Milestone
Lying requires a set of advanced skills. The child must recognize the truth, figure out that telling the truth is likely to result in some punishment, develop a plausible story and sell that story to someone else. Dr. Victoria Talwar, of McGill University, says that, “lying demands both advanced cognitive development and social skills that honesty simply doesn’t require.” What parenting implications come to mind in thinking about this concept?
Teaching About Honesty
Children lie to try to please adults. When a child denies she did something wrong, she hopes to not disappoint the adults. Young children need to know that the truth is what a parent needs to hear to be happy. Bronson and Merryman say that “parents need to teach children the worth of honesty just as much as they need to say the lying is wrong.” How is the worth of honesty taught?
A NurtureShock book club or discussion group is a powerful way to delve into the important parenting and child development topics presented in the book’s fourth chapter. The information and research focus on why children lie and how parents can promote honesty.
Other NurtureShock articles of interest:
NurtureShock by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman: New Thinking About Parenting and Child Development
Parents Talk About Race From NurtureShock: Book Club Discussions on Talking About Diversity With Children
Sleep Deprivation Research From NurtureShock: Book Club Discussion Starters About Sleep Loss and Child Development
NurtureShock is published by Twelve.
Copyright: 2009
ISBN-10: 0446504122
ISBN-13: 978-0446504126
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