Teen Rebellion Discussed in Book Clubs

Teen Parenting Strategies in NurtureShock by Bronson & Merryman

Oct 22, 2009 Lynn Brogan

Prepare to set aside some long held common parenting wisdom when book discussion groups tackle "The Science of Teen Rebellion" by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.

Bronson and Merryman write about scientific research into teen rebellion with an easy style and sharp analysis. The authors illustrate how some common parenting strategies actually make teen rebellion worse. Practical strategies for helping teens grow into independence and negotiating with teens give parents insight into the emotional and intellectual workings of teens.

96% of Teens Report Lying to Parents

Dr. Nancy Darling of Penn State University found that almost all teens report lying to their parents. About 25% of the time, kids make-up a lie. About 50% of the time, teens don’t tell the full story. (pg. 138-139) The rest of the time, teens simply avoid the topic. Most teens lie to protect the relationship with parents. Teens want to avoid disappointing parents. Describe real life experiences where the lying techniques have been used?

Parents and Teens Think About Rules in Different Ways

Darling’s research uncovered that many parents are afraid of “pushing their teens into outright rebellion.” (pg. 139) Some parents try to be permissive and not have established rules. Darling found that “kids take the lack of rules as a sign their parents don’t actually care – that their parent doesn’t really want this job of being the parent.” (pg. 139)

On the other end of the continuum, Darling’s research confirmed that parents who establish many rules don’t enforce them all because it is simply too much work. Teens quickly learn which rules can be broken without consequences or confrontation. Discuss the rule setting continuum and the differences between parent and teen thinking.

Teen Autonomy

In a recent Harris poll, 78% of parents believed their teens would talk with them about anything. (pg. 140) Teens have a very different perspective. Carving out an identity that is independent from parents is an important part of the maturing process. From a teen point-of-view, going to a parent for help is an admission of weakness. How can parents bridge the need for parental support and guidance with the teen’s need for autonomy?

Arguing is a Sign of Respect

When teens responded to Darling’s research questions about when and why they told the truth, the answers were surprising. “. . . teens told their parents the truth in hopes their parents might give in, and say it was okay.” (pg. 148) More arguments and more complaints, indicates the teen is being more honest. However, parents found the arguing and complaining stressful. (pg. 148) What are the parenting implications?

Negotiation is Critical to the Teen & Parent Relationship

Professor Robert Laird from the University of New Orleans found, “Parents with unbending, strict guidelines make it a tactical issue for kids to find a way around them.” (pg. 150) This finding is in conflict with the accusation that parents have created a generation of whiners by being pushovers. The answer is in the negotiation process.

Parents who let teens make their argument for why the rule should be modified or eliminated are lied to the least. If the parent then uses the legitimate arguments to make the final decision, teens feel heard and that their independence is respected. “This collaboration retains the parent’s legitimacy.” (pg. 151) How can this information inform parenting strategies?

Parenting teens requires a delicate balance of support and release. The information in NurtureShock coupled with meaningful book group conversations launch parents with new and powerful strategies to deal with teen rebellion, understand teen lies, and how to establish rules and negotiate with teens. In “The Science of Teen Rebellion”, authors Bronson and Merryman illuminate teen thinking and help parents maintain strong relationships with teens.

Other NurtureShock articles of interest:

NurtureShock by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman: New Thinking About Parenting and Child Development

Sleep Deprivation Research From NurtureShock: Book Club Discussion Starters About Sleep Loss and Child Development

Why Kids Lie Explained in NurtureShock: Book Clubs Discuss New Parent Thinking About Lying and Honesty

NurtureShock is published by Twelve.

ISBN-10: 0446504122

ISBN-13: 978-0446504126

The copyright of the article Teen Rebellion Discussed in Book Clubs in Self-Help Books is owned by Lynn Brogan. Permission to republish Teen Rebellion Discussed in Book Clubs in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.