Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.
A New Look at Real Stepmothers, Remarriage and Stereotypes
Nov 14, 2009
Wednesday Martin’s Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do will hit a cord with “stepmonsters” struggling with their new families everywhere.
Whether they’re being too nice or appearing to overstep boundaries too soon, stepmothers often get the shaft no matter what they do. Wednesday explores the various dynamics with depth, reassuring women that they’re not monsters and they’re not alone.
In the introduction she shares her own personal experiences and struggles with her attempts to fit in and bond with her new stepchildren. She admits her mistakes, but also helps others feel okay about being imperfect. Martin also does an amazing job of giving good advice in Stepmonster to stepmothers without preaching.
Wednesday Martin Ph.D. interviewed eighteen stepmothers, twelve stepchildren and several remarried men to give Stepmonster varying perspectives. Various studies and experts were also used to share interesting information for stepfamilies that can’t be found easily elsewhere.
Challenging Stepmother Stereotypes
Stepmonster (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing, 2009, ISBN: 978-0-618-75819-7) is not the type of book that blames the stepmother or encourages wicked stereotypes. Instead, it shows how fathers and children contribute towards marriage problems and sometimes encourage the demonization of the stepmother.
Martin points out how many books put the onus on the woman to fix everything, and when it doesn’t work out, she’s blamed. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard a stepmother tries, because the kids will not accept or like the new marriage regardless. In time, many stepchildren do come around, but many marriages also break up.
Fairy Tales Feed Wicked Stepmother Tales
“Fairy Tale History and the Stepmothering Script” is the title of chapter two and it’s a fun and sometimes disturbing look at the way fairy tales makes stepmothers look like witches while feeding children’s fantasies. Sometimes, they may have even given them evil ideas they never had in the first place. The repeated tales can also influence how stepmothers are perceived and how they perceive themselves.
Blended Family?
Chapter 3 addresses the common fall back phrase from children which is “You’re not my mother!” and the myth of the “blended” family. Not everyone instantly bonds like the Brady Bunch, but it helps when women get together and confess their mixed feelings. Misinformation about how everything will work out perfectly causes more harm than good. Competition often arises over money, time and access to the father, and Wednesday Martin reassures readers that this is inevitable and normal.
Chapter 4 talks about the guilt and jealousy some stepmothers also go through, along with the pressure as a mother to fix everything in the family. Chapter 5 focuses on understanding the husband and how his behavior and attitude influence the family dynamics.
Remarriage
Chapter 6 shares interesting statistics about remarriages. According to Wednesday Martin, half of all marriages in the United States are remarriages and 65% of them have children.
Finding time together is challenging in between resolving problems, so the divorce rate is higher in remarriages with children. Martin convincingly explains why putting the marriage first and displaying a united front is crucial to a successful remarriage.” The ideas that you should be second and should accept it, that his kids came first chronologically and so are first in his heart, and that his believing and acting on these ideas makes him a good person are powerful, deeply ingrained beliefs. But all of them can be fatal for the remarriage with children.”
Although not a "feel good" book, it gives a realistic portrayal of the realities of step parenting. Stepmonster also brings out hidden feelings and thoughts, making stepmothers feel less alone, even if they don’t live happily ever after.
About Wednesday Martin
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. also blogs for the Huffington Postand and is a regular contributor to Psychology Today. She has appeared on BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today to share her step parenting expertise. Her book Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year's "Books for a Better Life" award.
 |
