Review of Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting
Moving From Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Dec 22, 2008
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason is a challenge to conventional ideas about disciplining children. It presents compelling evidence that using rewards and punishments are harmful to children's development. Kohn argues instead for giving children unconditional love with guidance.
Alfie Kohn writes and speaks widely on parenting, human behaviour, and education. This is the tenth of his eleven books, which include Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive A's, Praise, and Other Bribes and The Homework Myth: Why Our Kids Get too Much of a Bad Thing.
Children Need to be Loved Unconditionally
The premise of the book is that children have a basic need to be loved unconditionally, and that conventional discipline techniques such as time-out, reward charts and, on the other extreme, spanking, all convey the message to children that they are only loved when they please or impress their parents, thus loved 'conditionally'.
While this may not be the intention of the parent, Kohn argues that the parent's intention is less important than what the child experiences and remembers. The long-term consequences of this message include the loss of intrinsic motivation, damaged relationships with parents, inferior moral development and emotional insecurity.
Behaviourist Model Underlies Discipline Techniques
Kohn argues that common discipline techniques are underpinned by a behaviourist model that is not appropriate to human beings: it reduces people to behaviours which can be 'made extinct' or 'reinforced', rather than complex individuals with needs and different ways of expressing those needs.
Conventional discipline techniques are efforts to keep children 'under control'. In fact, says Kohn, not only is this control impossible to achieve, but it also not a worthwhile parenting goal. Kohn's arguments are well-backed up by research, and detailed notes at the back of the book give more information on the psychological and sociological studies that inform his work.
Long-Term Parenting Goals and Discipline
Kohn discusses the importance of being aware of one's long-term goals in parenting, for example raising children who can think for themselves and be compassionate towards others, arguing that these goals are often circumvented by conditional discipline and other parenting practices.
The Negative Effects of Time-Out and Punishment
Tohn explains why 'love withdrawal' - or 'time-out', is damaging to children's emotional well-being. Kohn discusses the consequences of over-controlling parenting, for example creating lifelong difficulties with authority figures, and of punishment itself, which studies show is not even effective at achieving the result of 'good' behaviour.
Pressure on Children to Succeed
Kohn looks at parents who push their children to succeed at sports or academics, and the long-term negative consequences of this, destroying their intrinsic motivation and damaging their self-esteem. One of the most helpful sections of the book is Kohn's dissection of what stops parents from parenting unconditionally - for example, fear of what others think.
Practical Examples of 'Working With' Children
While the book is mostly theoretical, there are also guidelines and practical examples of the 'working with' rather than 'doing to' model of parenting that he proposes. This includes alternatives to praise and punishment.
Mostly, however, it is an invitation to reflect on one's parenting practice and understand the principles of unconditional love - the form this takes will vary. Central concepts are giving choices to children, and seeing things 'through your children's eyes'. Kohn's arguments are meticulously thought-out and logical, and always backed up by studies.
Unconditional Parenting is not for the faint-hearted. It is for parents who want to think critically about their parenting and are open to changing the way they do things. Kohn's style is brisk, confident and often humorous, but he is serious indeed about his provocative challenge to the conventional wisdom on discipline.
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